Today you came into the world at 2:35 PM January 25,2010.
I have not met you yet but someday if you read this I wanted you to know that I prayed for you every day since I learned your mom was going to have you.
Already new prayers have begun for you my dear Lillian. You now face a world that is far from perfect.
You face a world in need,a world that is sad and lonely for many.May you never be in need or lonely.
You have already made my life richer.You are just a few hours old and my thoughts have been with you since your dad called me to tell me that you were born.
Your big sister Brooke is a wonderful girl Lillian,she is going to love you your whole life!
You know you have girl cousins too who can't wait to meet you.There is Maddie,Whitney,Belle and Sarah.They can't wait to meet you too.
Your big brothers are Joel and Caleb.Watch them during your life.they will protect you and love you forever.
Did you know Lillian that God knew of you before you were born? He has a wonderful life planned for you.Stay close and rely on Him when there is no other.
Your boy cousins are very special kids,Andrew,Aaron,Joshua,Alistair and Jared are all just amazing to me.They are going to be very fun cousins!
If I can claim God's love and protection for you I do so now Lillian.
I write this to you my dear one 60 years after the day I was born.I wanted you to know how much I love you.
Your Papa Loves You Verrry Much!
Monday, January 25, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
What is Life?
Living the straight life in the Chicago suburbs when the only friend around is your best friend.
Our tv has been out for a few days and we don't mind.It is late and she has Pandora on.We are listening to Emmy Lou and Alison Krause.
Thinking and praying about your next grand child being born tomorrow.
Thinking and praying about family far away.Computers make them seem not so far away but still...
Spent most of today with a son.That's a good thing to do.
Wondering.
Reading.
Studying for a test I want to take for advancement in ham radio.My brain is getting sore.
Dreaming about vacations I want to take.Many places to go yet isn't there?
Taking a blood sugar test and seeing the results are still to high.But not horrible.
Finishing the day with a prayer that does not make a lot of sense,then starting the prayer all over.I guess God speaks when we don't know the right questions to ask.I like that.
So today that has been my life.I liked it.
Our tv has been out for a few days and we don't mind.It is late and she has Pandora on.We are listening to Emmy Lou and Alison Krause.
Thinking and praying about your next grand child being born tomorrow.
Thinking and praying about family far away.Computers make them seem not so far away but still...
Spent most of today with a son.That's a good thing to do.
Wondering.
Reading.
Studying for a test I want to take for advancement in ham radio.My brain is getting sore.
Dreaming about vacations I want to take.Many places to go yet isn't there?
Taking a blood sugar test and seeing the results are still to high.But not horrible.
Finishing the day with a prayer that does not make a lot of sense,then starting the prayer all over.I guess God speaks when we don't know the right questions to ask.I like that.
So today that has been my life.I liked it.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
I got older.
Januray 13,2010.
Yes one more year.So now I am 60.
I wonder what is like to be 60.
I don't think like I am 60.
I feel 60.
I take a lot of drugs to stay alive.
I don't like taking any drugs.
I have one of those containers labeled with every day of the week.My wife fills it for me.
I still like rock and roll and Andre Rieu. I may be a bit odd in my taste in music.
I am rediscovering Hoyt Axton. And many others.
I don't hardly sleep at night.I found out my daughter and my daughter in laws don't sleep much either.
I can sleep for 2 hours in the afternoon.
I have found a new church.It's very quiet.I think we may join it.But there are sure a lot of old people there.(I mean older than 60).The pastor is 26.This is very cool.
I miss those who have gone home a great deal.Mom,dad and so many friends.
I seem to think a lot about them.
I am happy for the most part.
I need to be working more.
I have pick up truck with 210,000 miles on it.
I am in love with my wife,my kids and my grand kids.
I have over a thousand friends on facebook.I like a great deal of these people.Many are like minded.
I deleted some.I have some on ignore.
I have not updated this blog for a long time.So I did.
Yes one more year.So now I am 60.
I wonder what is like to be 60.
I don't think like I am 60.
I feel 60.
I take a lot of drugs to stay alive.
I don't like taking any drugs.
I have one of those containers labeled with every day of the week.My wife fills it for me.
I still like rock and roll and Andre Rieu. I may be a bit odd in my taste in music.
I am rediscovering Hoyt Axton. And many others.
I don't hardly sleep at night.I found out my daughter and my daughter in laws don't sleep much either.
I can sleep for 2 hours in the afternoon.
I have found a new church.It's very quiet.I think we may join it.But there are sure a lot of old people there.(I mean older than 60).The pastor is 26.This is very cool.
I miss those who have gone home a great deal.Mom,dad and so many friends.
I seem to think a lot about them.
I am happy for the most part.
I need to be working more.
I have pick up truck with 210,000 miles on it.
I am in love with my wife,my kids and my grand kids.
I have over a thousand friends on facebook.I like a great deal of these people.Many are like minded.
I deleted some.I have some on ignore.
I have not updated this blog for a long time.So I did.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Random
Slow down your life a little,it goes to fast.
On the other hand slowing down your life might make you miss something you enjoy.
On the other hand you can enjoy fewer things more.
On the other hand when you get more stuff to enjoy that stuff soon becomes old stuff.
Stuff we but sure collects dust.
So I bought dust covers and now I can't see my stuff.
I have some really old things.I can't throw it away.
The few things I have thrown away I think about.
When I get a new car I look at it through my window a lot.
A few days later I might look at it once in a while.
A few weeks later it's just a car that I might like but it's just a car.
When the amount of money you have defines your level off spirituality,you better redefine your life. (I am always learning this.I am a slow learner.)
On the other hand slowing down your life might make you miss something you enjoy.
On the other hand you can enjoy fewer things more.
On the other hand when you get more stuff to enjoy that stuff soon becomes old stuff.
Stuff we but sure collects dust.
So I bought dust covers and now I can't see my stuff.
I have some really old things.I can't throw it away.
The few things I have thrown away I think about.
When I get a new car I look at it through my window a lot.
A few days later I might look at it once in a while.
A few weeks later it's just a car that I might like but it's just a car.
When the amount of money you have defines your level off spirituality,you better redefine your life. (I am always learning this.I am a slow learner.)
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Weary
How often I look back now,as he did.
He looked back like there was some awful terror about to swallow him.
Many times he would sit,in his small room wondering what happened to his life.
She had left him years before of course and she was no longer heard from.Not even a card.Not a call or a letter.She was just gone.
His family had no wish to speak to him and he didn't much care.
Lost in his books now,he did not relate to this day.
Speaking just a few words,just the basic communication he needed to live,he only ordered food.
He would drink whiskey when he could sneak out of the home but they watched him close now.
Some bracelet they said was for his own security.He broke it a few times but they got pretty mad.
He had fought for his country.
He had been wounded.
It still hurt like hell but he paid it no mind anymore.He thought he got what he deserved.
Times were gone.His time was gone and he lived in a world now long forgotten.
Veterans home are no place for people to spend your final days he thought.
He wanted to go to some lake somewhere where he had vague memories of a life he thought he had once.
Dying slowly.He did not care.
Day after day,the same.
No smiles,no joy,fading memories.
I met him before he died.
His family wanted his body cremated.It's cheaper.
I hope somehow,someway he had found his Peace.
It makes me weary.
He looked back like there was some awful terror about to swallow him.
Many times he would sit,in his small room wondering what happened to his life.
She had left him years before of course and she was no longer heard from.Not even a card.Not a call or a letter.She was just gone.
His family had no wish to speak to him and he didn't much care.
Lost in his books now,he did not relate to this day.
Speaking just a few words,just the basic communication he needed to live,he only ordered food.
He would drink whiskey when he could sneak out of the home but they watched him close now.
Some bracelet they said was for his own security.He broke it a few times but they got pretty mad.
He had fought for his country.
He had been wounded.
It still hurt like hell but he paid it no mind anymore.He thought he got what he deserved.
Times were gone.His time was gone and he lived in a world now long forgotten.
Veterans home are no place for people to spend your final days he thought.
He wanted to go to some lake somewhere where he had vague memories of a life he thought he had once.
Dying slowly.He did not care.
Day after day,the same.
No smiles,no joy,fading memories.
I met him before he died.
His family wanted his body cremated.It's cheaper.
I hope somehow,someway he had found his Peace.
It makes me weary.
Friday, May 22, 2009
How I Broke Some Bones
Middle of June,1996.
Linda and I were fishing up in Canada near the town of Kenora,in Ontario.
We had gone to Perch Bay Resort for many years,so I knew the lakes and rivers fairly well.
The backwaters is where I always liked to fish,it is remote and you don't see much civilization.
The old rocks,the trees,the wildlife and being with your best friend is truly one of God's gifts.
This particular week we took Mark my son and his friend Paul Nelson with us.
We had good weather,good fishing and good eating too.
Wednesday,June 18 was a warm day,just a little overcast.
Linda and I took off in our boat to fish in the farthest part of the lakes we could get to.After a few hours it started to rain a little.It didn't bother us as we often fished in the rain.We were prepared with rain suits.
We decided to drift back towards are camp and let the current take us where it would.
I would move the boat close to the shore,then father away looking for the big fish.
A few more hours we just fished,talked and enjoyed the day.
In the early afternoon it started raining harder.We still were not to concerned.
Then it rained very hard.The wind picked up.I was hoping it would blow over as I wanted to stay out on the boat.
I pulled the boat closer to shore to take some shelter from the wind.The wind continued.
Closer to the shore it was a bit more peaceful so,we fished some more.
The wind got bad then,really bad.
I was 10 feet from the shore when there was a micro burst of wind.This is when the wind can be 100 miles per hour in a localized area.I thought I should land the boat on the shore.I was always a great thinker!
The trees were swaying.The pine trees were almost bent to the ground.
I felt branches on my arms.
My memory at this point is vague but I will do my best to reconstruct what happened next.
I saw a tree coming at us,it was falling right on us,I turned pushed Linda out of the way,I think I said watch out!
In that next moment my life was changed.The tree hit me.On my back.I remember the sound it made as it hit me.
It hit just below the middle of my back.The tree bent the aluminum boat badly.
I was down,laying on my back in the bottom of the boat.
The pain was horrible,I was gasping for breath.I was in agony.
The air would not come into my lungs.I yelled to Linda "I am dying now,I am dying".
Now the memory is not good but I remember Linda praying,asking God to calm me and asking for breath.
Prayer works,as you know.
I lay there,my head cradled by Lin.
I thought I would try to move my knees and my feet.If I could do that I was thinking I would not be paralyzed.
I moved my knees and then passed out.
We must have floated around for 30 minutes. In a boat that looked pretty beat up.
Somehow Mark and Paul found us.They were in the same area as we were and racing back to the camp to get out of the rain too.
I remember Paul was in the water,taking the tree the still was on my and lifting it off.
The next thing I remember was Mark starting the boat motor and trying to get us back to the camp. I know he could not see over the bow of the boat very well because of the way the boat was bent like the letter V.
It was raining hard again,We were 30 minutes from the camp.
We made it to shore.I was still laying in the bottom of the boat,passing in and out of consciousness.
Paul had gone ahead in Marks boat to get help.
There were about 20 fisherman on shore waiting to help.
Paramedics arrived.
One was a lady named Linda and I won't ever forget her.
The 2 paramedics somehow got a board under me and lifted me out with the help of several fisherman.
I awoke in the hospital briefly.I heard my wife talking to the nurses about what to do,send me to a larger hospital in Winnipeg or charter a plane to get me home.
She charted a plane with 2 paramedics and they flew me all the way to Lansing,Illinois.
I had broken about 27 bones,cracked ribs and damaged a kidney.
Recovery time was long.Years.
My back still gets sore now,but it could be that I am older.
I will always be grateful to God,Linda,Mark and Paul for the needed help and needed prayers.
Many stories come to mind now about how friends helped with prayers,visits,so many cards(which I still have and treasure) and even money which was sorely needed then.
I went back to visit that same spot where the tree hit me the next year.I was still in a body brace and could not bend very well but I had the determination to face it.
Half the tree was still there up on shore.
I got out of the boat.Hobbled to the tree and just looked at it for a long time.
I started painting with oils that year and I think I painted that tree a hundred times.
your life can change in one second.If I had died I was ready to go Home.
I still am ready.
And I still go fishing.
Linda and I were fishing up in Canada near the town of Kenora,in Ontario.
We had gone to Perch Bay Resort for many years,so I knew the lakes and rivers fairly well.
The backwaters is where I always liked to fish,it is remote and you don't see much civilization.
The old rocks,the trees,the wildlife and being with your best friend is truly one of God's gifts.
This particular week we took Mark my son and his friend Paul Nelson with us.
We had good weather,good fishing and good eating too.
Wednesday,June 18 was a warm day,just a little overcast.
Linda and I took off in our boat to fish in the farthest part of the lakes we could get to.After a few hours it started to rain a little.It didn't bother us as we often fished in the rain.We were prepared with rain suits.
We decided to drift back towards are camp and let the current take us where it would.
I would move the boat close to the shore,then father away looking for the big fish.
A few more hours we just fished,talked and enjoyed the day.
In the early afternoon it started raining harder.We still were not to concerned.
Then it rained very hard.The wind picked up.I was hoping it would blow over as I wanted to stay out on the boat.
I pulled the boat closer to shore to take some shelter from the wind.The wind continued.
Closer to the shore it was a bit more peaceful so,we fished some more.
The wind got bad then,really bad.
I was 10 feet from the shore when there was a micro burst of wind.This is when the wind can be 100 miles per hour in a localized area.I thought I should land the boat on the shore.I was always a great thinker!
The trees were swaying.The pine trees were almost bent to the ground.
I felt branches on my arms.
My memory at this point is vague but I will do my best to reconstruct what happened next.
I saw a tree coming at us,it was falling right on us,I turned pushed Linda out of the way,I think I said watch out!
In that next moment my life was changed.The tree hit me.On my back.I remember the sound it made as it hit me.
It hit just below the middle of my back.The tree bent the aluminum boat badly.
I was down,laying on my back in the bottom of the boat.
The pain was horrible,I was gasping for breath.I was in agony.
The air would not come into my lungs.I yelled to Linda "I am dying now,I am dying".
Now the memory is not good but I remember Linda praying,asking God to calm me and asking for breath.
Prayer works,as you know.
I lay there,my head cradled by Lin.
I thought I would try to move my knees and my feet.If I could do that I was thinking I would not be paralyzed.
I moved my knees and then passed out.
We must have floated around for 30 minutes. In a boat that looked pretty beat up.
Somehow Mark and Paul found us.They were in the same area as we were and racing back to the camp to get out of the rain too.
I remember Paul was in the water,taking the tree the still was on my and lifting it off.
The next thing I remember was Mark starting the boat motor and trying to get us back to the camp. I know he could not see over the bow of the boat very well because of the way the boat was bent like the letter V.
It was raining hard again,We were 30 minutes from the camp.
We made it to shore.I was still laying in the bottom of the boat,passing in and out of consciousness.
Paul had gone ahead in Marks boat to get help.
There were about 20 fisherman on shore waiting to help.
Paramedics arrived.
One was a lady named Linda and I won't ever forget her.
The 2 paramedics somehow got a board under me and lifted me out with the help of several fisherman.
I awoke in the hospital briefly.I heard my wife talking to the nurses about what to do,send me to a larger hospital in Winnipeg or charter a plane to get me home.
She charted a plane with 2 paramedics and they flew me all the way to Lansing,Illinois.
I had broken about 27 bones,cracked ribs and damaged a kidney.
Recovery time was long.Years.
My back still gets sore now,but it could be that I am older.
I will always be grateful to God,Linda,Mark and Paul for the needed help and needed prayers.
Many stories come to mind now about how friends helped with prayers,visits,so many cards(which I still have and treasure) and even money which was sorely needed then.
I went back to visit that same spot where the tree hit me the next year.I was still in a body brace and could not bend very well but I had the determination to face it.
Half the tree was still there up on shore.
I got out of the boat.Hobbled to the tree and just looked at it for a long time.
I started painting with oils that year and I think I painted that tree a hundred times.
your life can change in one second.If I had died I was ready to go Home.
I still am ready.
And I still go fishing.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Remembering Sullivan Ballou
July 14, 1861Camp Clark, WashingtonMy very dear Sarah:
The indications are very strong that we shall move in a few days—perhaps tomorrow. Lest I should not be able to write again, I feel impelled to write a few lines that may fall under your eye when I shall be no more . . .I have no misgivings about, or lack of confidence in the cause in which I am engaged, and my courage does not halt or falter. I know how strongly American Civilization now leans on the triumph of the Government and how great a debt we owe to those who went before us through the blood and sufferings of the Revolution.
And I am willing—perfectly willing—to lay down all my joys in this life, to help maintain this Government, and to pay that debt . . .
Sarah my love for you is deathless, it seems to bind me with mighty cables that nothing but Omnipotence could break; and yet my love of Country comes over me like a strong wind and bears me unresistibly on with all these chains to the battle field.The memories of the blissful moments I have spent with you come creeping over me, and I feel most gratified to God and to you that I have enjoyed them for so long. And hard it is for me to give them up and burn to ashes the hopes of future years, when, God willing, we might still have lived and loved together, and seen our sons grown up to honorable manhood, around us. I have, I know, but few and small claims upon Divine Providence, but something whispers to me—perhaps it is the wafted prayer of my little Edgar, that I shall return to my loved ones unharmed. If I do not my dear Sarah, never forget how much I love you, and when my last breath escapes me on the battle field, it will whisper your name.
Forgive my many faults and the many pains I have caused you. How thoughtless and foolish I have often times been! How gladly would I wash out with my tears every little spot upon your happiness . . .But, O Sarah! If the dead can come back to this earth and flit unseen around those they loved, I shall always be near you; in the gladdest days and in the darkest nights . . . always, always, and if there be a soft breeze upon your cheek, it shall be my breath, as the cool air fans your throbbing temple, it shall be my spirit passing by. Sarah do not mourn me dead; think I am gone and wait for thee, for we shall meet again . .
Sullivan Ballou was killed a week later at the first Battle of Bull Run, July 21, 1861.Born March 28, 1829 in Smithfield, R.I., Ballou was educated at Phillips Academy in Andover, Mass.; Brown University in Providence, R.I. and the National Law School in Ballston, N.Y. He was admitted to the Rhode Island Bar in 1853.Ballou devoted his brief life to public service. He was elected in 1854 as clerk of the Rhode Island House of Representatives, later serving as its speaker.He married Sarah Hart Shumway on October 15, 1855, and the following year saw the birth of their first child, Edgar. A second son, William, was born in 1859.Ballou immediately entered the military in 1861 after the war broke out. He became judge advocate of the Rhode Island militia and was 32 at the time of his death at the first Battle of Bull Run on July 21, 1861.When he died, his wife was 24. She later moved to New Jersey to live out her life with her son, William, and never re-married. She died at age 80 in 1917.Sullivan and Sarah Ballou are buried next to each other at Swan Point Cemetery in Providence, RI. There are no known living descendants.Ironically, Sullivan Ballou’s letter was never mailed. Although Sarah would receive other, decidedly more upbeat letters, dated after the now-famous letter from the battlefield, the letter in question would be found among Sullivan Ballou’s effects when Gov. William Sprague of Rhode Island traveled to Virginia to retrieve the remains of his state’s sons who had fallen in battle.
The indications are very strong that we shall move in a few days—perhaps tomorrow. Lest I should not be able to write again, I feel impelled to write a few lines that may fall under your eye when I shall be no more . . .I have no misgivings about, or lack of confidence in the cause in which I am engaged, and my courage does not halt or falter. I know how strongly American Civilization now leans on the triumph of the Government and how great a debt we owe to those who went before us through the blood and sufferings of the Revolution.
And I am willing—perfectly willing—to lay down all my joys in this life, to help maintain this Government, and to pay that debt . . .
Sarah my love for you is deathless, it seems to bind me with mighty cables that nothing but Omnipotence could break; and yet my love of Country comes over me like a strong wind and bears me unresistibly on with all these chains to the battle field.The memories of the blissful moments I have spent with you come creeping over me, and I feel most gratified to God and to you that I have enjoyed them for so long. And hard it is for me to give them up and burn to ashes the hopes of future years, when, God willing, we might still have lived and loved together, and seen our sons grown up to honorable manhood, around us. I have, I know, but few and small claims upon Divine Providence, but something whispers to me—perhaps it is the wafted prayer of my little Edgar, that I shall return to my loved ones unharmed. If I do not my dear Sarah, never forget how much I love you, and when my last breath escapes me on the battle field, it will whisper your name.
Forgive my many faults and the many pains I have caused you. How thoughtless and foolish I have often times been! How gladly would I wash out with my tears every little spot upon your happiness . . .But, O Sarah! If the dead can come back to this earth and flit unseen around those they loved, I shall always be near you; in the gladdest days and in the darkest nights . . . always, always, and if there be a soft breeze upon your cheek, it shall be my breath, as the cool air fans your throbbing temple, it shall be my spirit passing by. Sarah do not mourn me dead; think I am gone and wait for thee, for we shall meet again . .
Sullivan Ballou was killed a week later at the first Battle of Bull Run, July 21, 1861.Born March 28, 1829 in Smithfield, R.I., Ballou was educated at Phillips Academy in Andover, Mass.; Brown University in Providence, R.I. and the National Law School in Ballston, N.Y. He was admitted to the Rhode Island Bar in 1853.Ballou devoted his brief life to public service. He was elected in 1854 as clerk of the Rhode Island House of Representatives, later serving as its speaker.He married Sarah Hart Shumway on October 15, 1855, and the following year saw the birth of their first child, Edgar. A second son, William, was born in 1859.Ballou immediately entered the military in 1861 after the war broke out. He became judge advocate of the Rhode Island militia and was 32 at the time of his death at the first Battle of Bull Run on July 21, 1861.When he died, his wife was 24. She later moved to New Jersey to live out her life with her son, William, and never re-married. She died at age 80 in 1917.Sullivan and Sarah Ballou are buried next to each other at Swan Point Cemetery in Providence, RI. There are no known living descendants.Ironically, Sullivan Ballou’s letter was never mailed. Although Sarah would receive other, decidedly more upbeat letters, dated after the now-famous letter from the battlefield, the letter in question would be found among Sullivan Ballou’s effects when Gov. William Sprague of Rhode Island traveled to Virginia to retrieve the remains of his state’s sons who had fallen in battle.
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